Call this post a rant, or a reflection. Opinions do not carry weight anymore. I have had enough of burdening and being that little glass bottle tolerating all the different encounters I have.
Pardon me if I do sound crude anywhere in the post, but the only way to start fresh and feel good again is to open up the tap and let these troubled worries flow endlessly into the bottomless ocean.
I was the safety officer for my new officer’s unit induction program (UIP). Comparing to what I had gone through almost 10 months ago, the UIP this time round is a whole new level easier. I shall not comment on how incompetent and improficient the conducting body is.
<As I am typing this, the annoying little red lines that appear underneath my writing is keeping me in distraught. Coupled with my queasiness over the heat I am bearing now, the bottle within will start to break soon. Sigh.>
The conducting body should be a little more meticulous in terms of planning and assigning of the tasks. I do not blame the conducting body as this could be their first time, after a time gap, for conducting something. Despite that, the hatred I have for the conducting is growing with each passing day. I remembered the unnecessary scoldings, the extra bullcrap I have to do in order to help the conducting. Those times were horrible and they were exacerbated by the fact that many of my friends were clearing their leave and there were no one else to manage the workload.
One of my breaking moments took place during the 3rd day of UIP, where my battalion HQ guys were deployed as enemies for the new officer’s UIP. We have a slightly larger group catered to help dig shell scrape and set up the defense sites while the chosen 8 will stay and simulate as enemies.
There was this guy, let’s call him A.
A is one of those guys who were pretty isolated from the other people due to his eccentricness and given the nature of his job, the amount of social contact he has is being heavily reduced. Nonetheless, he is a very cooperative guy, nice to talk to and is extremely hardworking.
I remembered clearly I was speaking to one of the boys, IQ, and accompanied him to look for a latrine when I heard people shouting from across “Medic, Medic!”. The shouting went on for some time, and because I was quite far from the medic and the main body, I did not try to look for the medic and relied on the other guys who were near the medic. Once IQ was done, I headed back, pretending not to know anything and inquired around. Turns out, the sergeant major called out for the medic. Instantly, I sprang my way to the defense site where the Medic was called to. When I reached there, I saw A, his full body was tensing up. Rather than to go beside A and talk to him, showering him with concern, I spoke to one of my friends who happened to be there to find out about his condition. I could not discover more than his breathlessness and his activity prior the spasms. I was worried, yet I did not do anything to help. How ironic is that?
I watched the medic doing his drills and checking on A.
As I watched, something inside reaped apart. I was so angry and so frustrated that I have absolutely no knowledge on how to deal with such circumstances I felt totally useless. And for someone who believes in contribution, this dreaded feeling of emptiness and uselessness dampened my spirit. It wasn’t until a point in time, after my friend approached A and hold his hand, did I realized I need to do something besides standing there and watch the medic aid A.
<Thank you SY, who triggered that executable action of kneeling down beside A and speak to him>
Even before I kneel down beside A and talk to him, I was quite surprised that RQ actually did something to ease and relax A. Imagine to my horror, even the last person I expected to help A did, but I was there standing aimlessly.
<Maybe I should be kinder to myself, and less harsh on my words>
Anyway, after kneeling down beside A and talking to him, I start to notice that this is something I could do and I could do well. I knew I had to keep A talking and keep him as comfortable as possible. Adjusting the helmet on the floor so he could lie down without straining his neck, holding onto the cold ice pack on the side of his neck, constantly giving him ice to hold on his hand because that was one place where he felt comfort. Talking to him and encouraging him was hard, especially when the medic tried to place him on the IV drip and then realized that he kept moving his arm and tensing up. Thinking back on it, I think I kept him through that moment and I do enjoy it even though life and death could possibly be an issue.
Subsequently after the whole incident, A spoke to me like I have helped him through a great deal. He made me realized this is something I would want to do in the future, to provide care and concern. But at the same time, I would want to do more than just that. I want to be that pain reliever people take when they have a headache, the anesthesia that will numb the person from the pain.
I believed, this made me more resolute in studying Medicine.
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After the UIP, there was a raid in the camp by the military police (MP). I was informed by my guys and spoke to this MP sergeant about the raid. He was quite calm about it and explained to me several things. However, getting my guys to follow through was a huge mistake. This damn corporal was super rude to me and my guys and told us to scram. Eventually, he allowed us to enter and escorted us. Because I had prior work to settle, I spoke to one of my guys, Y, before he headed back to the office. That was when this damn corporal shouted at me and asked me not to talk.
He sparked the stove needed for the boiling.
And then, I had to message my boss to keep him inform about the raid when this corporal 2 spoke rudely to me.
The fire almost exploded, I kept calm and ignored him.
The lesson to take away from here is that they did not even know I am an officer and that explains the harsh treatment. I was pretty pissed. And for someone like me who doesn’t use my rank to boast people around, this incident has taught me how much of a coward I am to stand up for myself, instead of grieving and bitching about it after that, and to screw those guys over.
I know I might not look like an officer given my size and the way my personality shaped me up to be. But I find it horrendous that corporals like them don’t give people the basic respect a human should give. Recounting this experience gave me the emotional drive to write an email to the MP command and make a complaint.
Maybe I should, but I do not want to affect my superiors who are not involved. But as a civilian, maybe I should. I should stand up for myself as well as my branch guys.
I was complaining about this incident to my friends that I will email the whole team to get a response, but they laughed it all thinking that I would not do it. However, after setting down the emotional baggage, I think I should not write in the prevent complications and not to make a mountain out of a molehill.
I guess if I were to be complaining as a civilian, things might be slightly different.
<Be right back, going to craft out the email. I think this is absolutely neccessary>
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I have spent quite a bit of time crafting my email to the MINDEF Feedback Unit as well the MP commander. I do hope this issue is addressed and that my emotions do not be a hindrance to the content of my email. We shall see how things go. I hope I have made the right choice to send the email. What is the worst I could get from this? Speaking of which, part of my personality is to avoid trouble. Because of that, I often avoid conflicts with people. Sending this email out definitely pushed me out of my comfort zones by many bounds!
<Update at 10:15pm: Wow, the MP commander is working even at this hour! Got a response from him!>
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What made me angst and hurt me even more was this morning. When I was about to leave camp, one of the guard personnel stopped me for a bag check. If I was there earlier, I would have been cooperative, but he was persistence with his check and I was rushing for time. Even after telling him that I was an officer (I know this is kind of childish since I thought rank proved to be everything in the army and this was the first time I am playing on ranks since the MP incident), I was expecting him to let me go but, no. I was not allowed until I flooded him with reasons. Eventually, I was let go without a check but I could have dealt it a lot better.
You see, I am not inclined to logic. Once you use logic in your arguments, I would be stumped and you win. I am more of an emotionally dependent guy who makes decisions based on the emotions coursing through that period. I was pretty anxious to leave because of the time. If I had stayed calm and try to reason with him, I might have taken longer, or probably struck a peace deal with him. But no, I was bent to leaving and he is not stopping me.
I guess based on these few incidents, I am not standing up for myself, for the people I love and care about. I have been too much of a coward. Writing the email and looking up the directories for the appropriate respondents made me realized how much power we civilians have and how much I could do to stand up for myself. Maybe I needed more experiences to deal with matters likes this on the ground, but emailing them was the first step I took and I hope it would be of the many.
Actually, I think the first step was writing that email to the Prime Minister’s Office.
Anyway, after I left the camp, I spoke to the taxi driver. I almost shocked him to death when he discovered I was an officer. So much for being an officer and people not believing it. The fact that it didn’t border me a lot shows that I am slowly dropping the opinions of others – a sign symbolic of growth, to be in control.
I guess what I am lacking in life now is control.
I need to be more assertive with my emotions and keep a cool head when dealing with situations. I guess that is the downside of being someone who is constantly on fire. yYour emotions rule most of the decisions you make each day and the heightened level of adrenaline in your body is not helping with your coping to the situation.
That’s all for today.
L for Loktor 
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